Weight

How many times have you failed to squeeze into your fat pants? You know, the ones you didn't throw away after that last diet just in case? How much money have you thrown away on Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Lite n' Easy only to pile the weight back on plus some extra chins? How many more times will you find yourself burning with shame, rooting through your children's schoolbags searching for forgotten cheese sticks and a strawberry Freddo frog? Enough.

Enough with the calorie-counting strategies, sacrificing a poached egg here for a third of a Mars bar there. Enough with all the fat jokes at your expense, pretending it's funny when your kids call your stomach 'mummy's jellies'. Enough with the lies, saying you're full when you know you'll go home and devour the cat if there's no chicken in the fridge. Enough.

Look at my arse. Look at it! Do you know what a starving Sudanese child would give for a bite of this sweet-tasting meat? Think about that the next time you find yourself on a stair master, selfishly burning flesh when others have none.

Thin is ick; fat is sick (or as my young wog fans would say, 'fully sick'). Embrace my delicious, no-hunger, high carbohydrate, snacking system and you too can have a body that impoverished African nations covet.